A Breakfast Platter

sudden shift

2007-06-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

As of today, this blog is formally retired. Farewell.

I'm combining my parenting/family/learning to live and learning to love stories with my children's books and teaching entries into one, great big blog conglomerate. That blog will inherit this one's title, or a variation on it, but will be located at my book blog address, cuz the tags and history and previous work over there are more important to me to keep in circulation.

Anywho: thanks for playing. I hope to see you at: Amy's Breakfast Platter.

Much Love! A

A Burst of Blogging

2007-06-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

I dunno if I'll be tethered to the digital world, at all, for the next 14 days, so I'm having a sudden burst of blogging energy. An interesting meme traveled the kidlit world a couple weeks ago. I've never been "tagged" for a meme, but my understanding of the biological metaphor (DNA, heredity, and genes) leads me to question the practice of tagging. A meme either catches, and gets passed along, cuz it has some kinda "cool-to-blog-on-fitness", or it becomes extinct. Maybe that's just sour grapes cuz I've never been tagged. Nah, I really believe in the organic nature of idea sharing on the web.

Anyhow: Here's the meme. First, write four things that were new to you in the past four years, and then write four things that will be new parts of your life in the upcoming four years.

New things in the last four years:

I became a mother when we adopted three lovely children.
We bought our first house (and still like it so much it that I can't imagine moving).
I finished my formal schooling with a Master's of Education degree.
I've become happily certain that teaching is my life's work.

New things in the next four years:

We'll have one baby (this is NOT an announcement), just a hope and a plan, for now.
I'll become a better writer and a much better writing teacher.
My relationships with my daughters will continue to deepen; and I'll find a way to break through Aninga's concrete shell.
I'll find several new, delicious meals to cook regularly.

Coming up with a fourth new thing that will happen in the next four years was hard. I don't like being overly ambitious. I prefer to be realistic. Teaching sixth grade will be new, but not that different from what I've been doing for several years.

Clue #1

2007-06-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

I adjusted my glasses and looked carefully at Easter, who was sitting at the kitchen table eating scrambled eggs. She was brand new to America and had only lived in our house two days. How well can she communicate in English, I wondered? What sort of a little person is she? Will she like me? Meanwhile, Duncan, our enormous Bernese Mountain Dog, was eating his breakfast. After Duncan finished his dog food I firmly commanded him, "Duncan, outside." Instead of obeying, he ran away from me, hustling to get away from the outside door. I stood up and walked toward him and repeated, louder, "Duncan, outside." He hurried around to the other side of the kitchen table, where I couldn't grab his collar. He looked at me with playful defiance. Suddenly Easter burst into a loud, mischievous giggle. "He refuses," she said.

Writing Ambitions

2007-05-26T15:25:00.000-07:00

Our writing group meets next on June 22nd. I mean to have some serious work ready to share with the group by that time. What small steps might I map out to reach my goal of having something worth sharing? Well, I could at least put in a certain number of minutes per day. 30 minutes? Yes, fine. Good.

Counting Down to June 1

2007-05-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

My students this year were quite a splendid bunch and I'm going to miss them all. These last few weeks are turning out to be hard enough, though, that I'm also going to be full of relief on June 1. The building is too hot, the kids are antsy and keep staring out the windows, and despite all my efforts to keep them busy learning, we keep finding ourselves with too much time to fill. I'm always exhausted on Fridays and usually come home and crash, but today the crash was particularly intense. I'm still surfacing from a deep nap and can barely move my legs. That's what I get for taking Dance Dance Revolution to our Outstanding Attendance party.

I still can't get over the joy of being done with my own 25 years of schooling. I'm the kinda kid, still, that has a hard time relaxing and enjoying any type of formal education experience (except when I'm the teacher!). I always feel pressure to impress the professor, to be perfect, to master every concept, to write pristine papers, and to get straight A's. When I'm taking any class, I have a constant buzz of anxiety. My grad school GPA, by the way, was a 3.9. So was it worth it? Certainly. I can now afford to continue doing the work I love, for at least thirty more years.

The Mormons

2007-05-04T19:44:00.001-07:00

I liked the PBS documentary. Overall. There were parts where I felt the representation was unfair, and furthered stereotypes, but there were also many beautiful scenes that got at some of the complexities and paradoxes of our rich history and faith. I also just finished watching Doug Fabrizio's Utah NOW program discussing the film. There are two delicious surprises that all this has uncovered for me. First, I have a very strong interest in mormon/utah history. (Another inheritance from Jim.) I have a huge appetite to read and learn much more of this history---from all perspectives. And, fortunately, I have plenty of time for this pursuit now that I am no longer in graduate school! The second surprise for me is how much spiritual affinity I feel toward the faith of my childhood. Enough time has gone by that I can approach the whole thing from a calmer and less guilt-ridden or bitter place. And from this place I can start to recognize an intricate, beautiful theology that came from an incredibly complicated history. A theology that I still love. It's exciting to suddenly realize that I can appreciate Mormonism's theology, honor its myths, even believe fully in many of its tenets, and yet I'm not required to believe anything that's unacceptable to my conscience. Much of the analysis of the documentary focused on how outsiders vs. insiders understand Mormonism and one way that I'm lucky is that I'm free to firmly embrace both of those orientations. I can appreciate and believe in many things. I can honor the faith and sacrifices of my ancestors. And yet I can also look in, from outside the fold, and not suffer the choking pressures of conformity or the weight of spiritually damaging doctrines. I can have my mormon cake and eat it too. yum.

my baby girl

2007-04-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

I just found Easter sleeping, alone in her room, with the lights on, with a book open under her arm. To really understand why this discovery almost made me cry, though, there are a few things you need to know. Reading is still very hard for Easter. She isn't yet able to read independently. Almost everyday she reads out loud to me for at least 30 minutes. I do my best to always be positive and loving about our reading time, but some things are hard to hide, especially from a kid who is so astute. I think she knows that I wish she was making faster progress and that I sometimes feel frustrated. And---she often sees me reading to myself, in my bed.

At Barnes and Noble this afternoon she asked me to help her find a chapter book, "to read to myself in my bed." So we picked out a hard cover Magic Tree House book. In the car, on the way home, she was reading it, but she was struggling with so many words that it was hard to follow the story. I told her we'd read it together, later. But I was talking on the phone all evening and didn't go in to read with her until she'd already fallen asleep. But she didn't give up. She so wants to become a strong reader, and make me feel happy and proud, that she layed in that bed and tried hard to read it on her own. And I so love her for how hard she's trying, and for her lovely spirit, and for her sweet, sweet heart. She'll get there, someday, and I'll do my best to assure her that she has my love, regardless of how long it takes.

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it's back to work i go....

2007-04-15T13:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I managed to get some solid hours of restful idleness in this past week. We are loving our new DDR game, and I think it even qualifies as legit cardio exercise. I quite enjoy how I can compete and exercise and dance, all at the same time. Plus--spend some quality recreational time with my bambinas.

I finished my master's project Friday and emailed my paper to my adviser. I hope the rest of the process isn't going to be too painful. I hope the whole thing is good enough, so that I can graduate already.

So, it's back to work tomorrow. There are only about six weeks left in this school year. And then we will see if I can continue to have hours of restful idleness, or if not working will make me crazy.

10 Great Things About My Girls

2007-04-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

1. They are worthy opponents on Dance Dance Revolution
2. They love Calvin and Hobbes
3. Easter and Clara both aspire to become teachers at Washington Elementary
4. They do all the dishes
5. They like to play outside
6. They like basketball
7. They have great taste in movies, i.e. Lord of the Rings, Shrek, and Star Wars
8. They are kind
9. They are funny
10. They are beautiful

Trudging Along

2007-04-11T19:16:00.000-07:00

Bryan, my advisor for my master's project, hasn't responded to any drafts that I've emailed him in the last two weeks. So, I'm just plugging along, assuming that it's all fine. It's going much better these days. I wrote my "theoretical framework" and "methodology" sections, and now I'm just filling in examples of how the whole Lesson Study mentoring model worked out this year, according to these standards of success that I've already established. I've found that I can get about three pages of solid writing in every morning. Something happens to my brain at around 12:30 p.m., and I can't really get much more academic writing accomplished after that. It's a bizarre, but manageable phenomenon, this inability to write very much in a day. This week is Spring Break so I can afford to move along at this snail-like pace. As long as I can keep up the three pages per day, I'm on track to be done by Sunday.

I've been working a lot on my book blog. I might start leaving comments with a link to it on some of the kid lit blogs I'm always lurking around. I want it to be very presentable.

subsonic love poems

2007-03-05T17:53:00.000-08:00

Gabe, Jessie's best friend and "homie for life" went into hoodie-pulled-over-his-eyes, super-sad-and-shut-down mode during recess today and made me cry real tears for a few minutes, too. It is quite sad for all of us to lose one of the brightest lights of our classroom. I've been carrying around a little orange orangutan stuffed monkey which I refer to as "The Spirit of Good Jessie". This monkey finished Jessie's science project, sat in his chair for math, and gently slapped the cheeks of lots and lots of kids all day. There's nothing wrong with using my imagination to cope for a few more days. But I have to lose the monkey crutch next week: gotta be half as brave and strong as my little grandbaby homie hero was for his last month with us. And he was extremely brave and strong.

The thing about feeling so broken is that it opens me up, somehow. I don't really know how to explain this opening up of my heart accurately. It's as if a damaging earth quake shakes my steady normal world and the fissures, fault lines, and pain remind me that I'm a very fragile human, and that I'm walking around, every day, among lots and lots of little fellow fragile humans. Somehow my crumbly, broken spirit is better able to hear the whale songs of comfort that the universe is singing through the voices of all the Washington kids and I'm also able to sense the subsonic poems of love that are still the fabric of my classroom.

brokeness

2007-03-01T18:59:00.001-08:00

Yes, I jumped off a chair, got my feet all twisted in the back, fell hard with only my hands to stop my fall, and broke both my arms. Both breaks were "minor", although all kinds of painful for about 48 hours. The triumphant leap off the chair, to look at the beautiful cursive alphabet that I'd just finished hanging in my brand new classroom, happened on Saturday, Feb. 17th. My bones are healing well. The doctor told me to move them and do as much as I can. They're not the kind of break that needs casts. I've already got a lot of mobility and range of motion back. It's just strength that I still need to build up now. I'm still in the process of figuring out worker's comp. and where to go for physical therapy.

A different kind of brokeness, that's still painful and in that killer initial 48 hours is happening to my heart right now. I said goodbye to Jessie today. Goodbye, forever. I followed a still small voice of inspiration and went over to the homeless shelter for an hour before I drove home this evening. I wanted to talk to his mom--say thank you, congratulations, and by the way, sorry, but Jessie's suspended from the bus again, just in case you were considering sending him to school one last day tomorow. She didn't make it back to the shelter before we had to leave, but Easter and I hung out with Jessie, his 8-year-old sister Angel, and his 11-year-old brother Nico. We sat on the floor in the hall of the shelter and chatted and joked and just enjoyed each other's company for a tender, final hour. Jessie brought out their four little books of family photos and showed me each one and told me all the accompanying names and stories. At one point Nico was teasing him about how he used to be bad. And then Jessie said this unforgettable line about how, yes, he had to do community service for getting in trouble a few times, "But," he says "that was before I met you." And the cutest, sweetest, most heart-breaking thing about that line, is that he didn't mean that it was a long time ago. He's saying it's becuase of me--or because of our relationship, rather. For the last eighteen months he's worked very hard at being good, he's worked hard at being good for me.

Here's a copy of his goodbye letter. If you call me in the next week or two, ask how my arms are healing, but also ask me about my heart. I think my arms will be completely healed before my heart gets all its strength back again---I love this child so much. It's always been hard for me to have faith but I have to trust and believe that some kind of higher power will take good care of him.

Dear Jessie,

Thank you for always working so hard. You have always done everything I’ve asked you to do. Last year, you worked hard as part of our basketball team. You came to practices and kept playing even though we didn’t always win. You’ve always finished your assignments in class and you’ve always done thoughtful, great work. You haven’t always turned in your homework but I know you’ve been doing it, most of the time. You’ve improved your reading a lot this year and I think you’ve learned at least sixty new vocabulary words. You helped the little kids and me with Read Naturally without ever complaining. You’ve been an incredible friend to Gabe and to many other students. You’ve been an excellent leader in our class this year. I am so proud of you. Thank you so much for doing all of these things.

Remember how much I believe in you. I know you can make good choices all of the time. You’re so smart and talented. I believe you will accomplish all of your dreams. You will go to college, play football and become a scientist, an engineer, a newspaper editor, a teacher, a mathematician, or whatever you want to become. Keep your grades up. Don’t quit school. Hang out with friends that will help you make good choices. You have a great family and I know you’ll make them all proud. You will be strong like Jackie Robinson: strong enough to BE KIND, strong enough to NOT FIGHT, and strong enough to NEVER GIVE UP. Remember how Jackie was strong on the inside and the outside—you also have that kind of inside strength.

Give people (adults and kids) a chance to get to know you and they will like you. Remember the goals on your Y contract: follow directions and be kind. These two goals are like a magic spell that will help your new teacher and other adults see how incredible you are.

I’ve really enjoyed having you as a student.

With much love,

My Current Books and Movies List

2007-02-14T16:13:00.000-08:00

A Drowned Maiden's Hair: A Melodrama---This book just won a CYBIL award, which is this award for children's literature that was created by all these bloggers. I'm liking it so far. I predict I'll finish it before Sunday.

The Battle of Jericho--I'm not really into this one. I might skim read it, just to find out what happens to these teenagers, but I'm not hooked.

Silent Thunder--non-fiction about elephants. I'll finish this one. It's a captivating read about everything elephant: communication, social structures, ecology, etc. etc.

Dear Mem Fox, I Have Read All Your Books, Even the Pathetic Ones--I was expecting a book similar to Radical Reflections, which I really loved, but this is more like a memoir, with lots and lots of stories about her personal life. It's too early to say if I'll finish it. Maybe.

To Remain An Indian: Lessons in Democracy from a Century of Native American Education-- well, I'll finish this, cuz it's for this professor book club that I agreed to be part of, but I don't think I'll enjoy it much. It's quite depressing. I might learn something useful, though. We'll see.

God Laughs & Plays--I bought this out of pure loyalty to David James Duncan. It's not his best work, and that's being kind. I'll finish it, though, cuz I really am a DJD groupie.

Teacher Man--I'm listening to this teaching memoir on DVD. I'm enjoying the performance so far.

United 93---I might watch this one tonight, to get the blasted hours to disappear already. I am so anxious to get into my new classroom tomorrow--it's like fifty Christmas Eve's all smashed together right now.

The Fallen--this is an escapist mystery book, which I will certainly finish, maybe even tonight. The main cop character has this interesting, but believable ability--a kind of sythesisia that makes him see people talk in colorful shapes that tell their emotions and whether or not they're telling lies.

Five people were shot and killed last night at Trolley Square. The shooter was a Bosnian immigrant teenager that lived near our home, here in Rose Park. I don't know what a blog equivalent of a moment of silence might be, but here's mine:

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3 Quotes

2007-02-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

You were made and set here to give voice to this, your astonishment.

-Annie Dillard

The ocean is really huge. When you get out on a little boat, you know it. You're clinging to a cork … And out there, rolling around and swimming through and perfectly at home in the waves are these enormous animals. And by golly, they're singing … And so what that has done for me is to make me feel that what lies ahead is absolutely limitless. We are not at the pinnacle of human knowledge. We are just beginning.

-Katy Payne

I would gasp, kneel, and ache in admiration before the altar of these tiny human souls, all day, if not for the bizarre confusion such wild acts would engender in their spongy little minds.

-Amy Simbe

Saturday Chores

2007-02-03T16:27:00.001-08:00

Harriet hates doing "Saturday Chores". She's developed this opinion based on characters on Disney channel programs and books like 100 Ways to Bug Your Parents. So, her solution, to this dislike, for the last two weeks, has been to thoroughly clean the entire house on Friday afternoons, before I even get home from work. She knows, of course, that the house must be cleaned each week, but figures that by doing it all by herself, on Fridays, she can help us all avoid the dreaded "Saturday Chores." What a delightful and wonderful child, that one.

I'm smack in the midst of breaking a resolution to stay off the computer for 24 hours and get some reading done already. But it's okay, cuz I've read a lot today. I'll blog in my book and movie blog about some of the books I've been reading, and I've ordered two amazing new picture books for birthday gifts (but I can't say for whom!).

Suzette wasn't at our last writing group meeting, but she asked me to email her my "spiritual moment" essay, which I did. She marked it up, very thoughtfully, and sent it back to me as a PDF. In addition to having feedback and an audience, the best thing about writing group is that it's encouraging me to become more and more interested in and thoughtful about the writing process. I've been reading a lot of books about reading and writing. This reading, and the ensuing conversations, have led me to begin to develop a new sense of myself as a writer. They've led me to rewire some of my internal maps in ways that I think are leading me to become a more focused and stronger writer. For example, I've become certain that the two genres in which I will be able to create some quality (possibly publishable) writing, in the next year or so, are essays about teaching, and short stories or fiction for ten-year-olds.

Here's one funny irony about the role I see myself assuming as "a writer": I really want a funky, spicy, bohemian type of writer's notebook. I imagine this notebook to be full of sketches, new words, poem fragments, and quirky observations. But I also adore this new pearly white mac that has become my constant companion. And I'm far more comfortable typing out my thoughts, than I am writing them out long hand. Although, it must be said, I often have more developed and careful thinking when I'm writing long hand, because I'm forced to S--L--O--W D--O--W--N. Maybe I can have both. A funky writing notebook, and a stylish lap top. Both.

Jessie update: he's still with us, he's still being brave and strong, and the one thing I wished most for him, around Christmas time, he has been given: a positive male role model in the form of Mr. Chatter, my brilliant student teacher.

Goodbye January

2007-01-31T17:04:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been super cold. A brief snow storm cleaned the air a bit, last night, but it's also been smoggy. Goodbye and good riddance to January, 2007. Jessie hasn't left yet. I'm still thinking any day, or week, but who knows. I got a letter from a former favorite student. It was sweet and positive and he sent his report card along, too, which was outstanding. I love remembering the big picture.

Facing the Truth

2007-01-22T21:32:00.001-08:00

Damn, saying goodbye to this child is killing me even more than I predicted. He's making it hard on purpose, the little punk, cuz it's easier to lie than to face the truth. I've been struggling to find some words to help him understand all this, but it's hard. He's just a kid. But maybe "you are strong enough to face the truth" are some words that he'll understand. I'm going to tell him that he can choose to be strong enough to face the truth and truth is this: that he is scared to leave and sad to leave, and that he's going to miss us as much as we're going to miss him (honestly, more, of course) But scared and sad aren't very acceptable emotions for baby homies, so I understand the need to lie, but I'm going to flip this screwed up version of masculinity on its pathetic ass and help this child be sad and scared and admit to those feelings and stop acting out lies like "I hate it here anyway, and I don't want to be here anyway." Cuz that kinda nonsense is making it too hard on me. Am I just selfish? Should I let him create his little lie of a fantasy world so it will be easier for him. No, cuz I really believe that it takes more strength to tell the truth and I still, even though we're down to our final days together, want him to learn this important kind of strength. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel scared, and it's even okay to express these feelings.

Mr. C

2007-01-13T06:53:00.000-08:00

My student teacher this year is incredible. First and foremost, he adores the kids. He enjoys their wild, wonderful spirits, listents to their stories with rapture, and fills the playground with his own raw energy---running, screaming, and playing hard.

He's in charge, all day, everyday, starting next Tuesday. I hate being away from my class, but that's just cuz of my selfishness. I like being surrounded by little people who love and need me. But they will still learn plenty because they are in good hands. And Mr. C is going to learn that he can do it on his own, that he is not only able to hold things together, but that he is a capable teacher.

I got a little tripped out yesterday when I was planning with him and I realized just how firecely he hangs on every word I say. Also, I'll often notice him interacting with the kids in ways that are very similar to the ways I interact with them. It's a feeling even stranger than watching Easter talk to her dolls like I talk to her---it's a heavy weight of responsibility as I come to understand that I'm shaping this teacher's whole career. Each class he ever has will be full of little people that he teaches in ways that he learned from me. I am overwhelmed by this realization, but I'm also somewhat thrilled by it. I'm grateful that I've been able to do things this year with my own teaching that I can be proud about---I've been true enough to my own ideals of best teaching practice that I can say, with confidence, that I'm glad this is what he's learning.

Grace

2007-01-06T05:01:00.000-08:00

About a million crazy things happened at work today. I stormed out of a meeting and was then confronted by Joann in front of six other people. I wasn't as articulate as I wish I could have been for this showdown. Later, in the cafeteria, in private, Johnny cried. That was unforgettable. It was while he was comforting me and giving me some really valuable advice---the main point being that if I remember why I wanted to teach in the first place and the kind of things that truly motivate me, there's no reason to get so upset over these situations. I don't feel like describing the whole entire situation with my boss today. She was her normal cruel tyrant self, and that's not going to change. (For the record---Johnny doesn't agree, at all, with this characterization of the boss.) But, he said, I still make a huge difference within the realms that I am able to influence, a really huge difference in those little lives. Enough of a powerful, good difference, that I need to focus more on that and less on other people's bad choices. To illustrate this get-some-perspective point of Johnny's: Adrian and Ulises, two former students, visited me this week. It was abundantly apparent that they continue to remember, fondly, their time with me, and I know they continue to benefit, academically, from the things I taught them. And then, not long after this motivating, but very emotional conversation with Johnny, three more tiny moments occurred which have led me to a new commitment, which is so deep and feels so right and final and true to my center of spiritual selfness, that I can't help but use corny phrases like I've found my calling.

The first moment: Jessie told me that his mom, finally, after 15 months of living in the Road Home shelter, got her voucher to move her family into public housing. They are looking for a house in West Valley. So Jessie's leaving, probably not by Monday, but likely very soon. Which is wonderful news for him and his family. This news came up as we were processing this whole kid drama situation today. At one point I said something like, "Well, you know what I believe about you." And he mumbles, nodding, "Yeah, about how I'm capable and talented and incredible." Like these are just the facts, like the floor is dirty and it's hard to make good choices, Ms. Simbe believes I'm capable and talented and incredible. So even though I knew this day was coming (the day, mid-year, when Jessie would leave) and even though I'm very attached to this child, I feel confident that he'll be okay. I've had more than two hundred fifty days with him and even if he doesn't believe those things about himself, he won't soon forget what I believe.

The second moment: The mother of my new student Juan, who just before Winter Break moved into the Road Home, visited the school today. I was only in the room for about fifteen minutes, but heard her describing the Road Home environment, which I knew was horrendous, but to hear it from this loving mother's own mouth helped me understand, even more, how much these kids from the Road Home need a safe, loving, structured place to spend eight hours a day. It reaffirmed everything I did, far and beyond the call of duty, on Jessie's behalf. She was also very grateful for the Christmas present I helped Juan make for her. Juan can barely read at a first grade level, so later in the day, I made sure that his special education services will be intense enough to support his needs in reading.

The final moment: Because of the confrontation with Joann and the name calling and tension that's not going to go away, I kept telling myself I had to make a choice, to either make real peace with Joann or to firmly commit to transfer at the end of the year. All day, my whole body and self and emotions were like a tempest storm because it seemed like an impossible choice. But what this raging storm and the lightening bolts of the first two moments I just described, finally pushed me to realize, is that I am committed, fiercely, passionately, outrageously, and obsessively committed, to the kids that come to Washington from the Road Home. And this commitment is the undercurrent of my final answer: I'm staying, for the long haul. I know there are students that I would love and be happy with everywhere, but not kids with the unique needs of those that come to us from the Road Home. Not only do I believe those kids need me to stay, the Jessies and Juans and Regans of Washington, but late this afternoon, in the quiet stillness of my classroom, I also realized in a very spiritual (uncomfortably Mormon-ish) way that this is where I'm "supposed" to be. The vast, infinitely loving, but mysteriously personal, spirit of the universe wants my talents and passions and love to continue to be a well from which these particular children are able to draw. Final answer.

As for peace with Joann--I don't know--it doesn't feel urgent or important anymore, not compared with the grace that I continue to feel emanating from the center of the Universe's loving heart.

An Ipod Christmas

2006-12-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

My three girls are luv-luv-loving their ipods. I am glad David convinced me to allow them. I had a nice Christmas---overall. I had a perfect last day of school Friday, including watching Akeelah and the Bee with my students and sending them each home with wonderful portraits and poems to give to their parents. I couldn't ask for a better mix of kids. Mom and I reached a fragile understanding about roles, intentions, and commitments---the process of reaching this understanding helped me work through some of my own fears regarding my family and my shortcomings. I have stacks and stacks of books to read and ideas to explore.

There are between 70-100 million AK47s in the world and they have been at the center of most armed conflicts of the last fifty years.

Only a few hours until Lisa arrives. Yeah.

Starfish

2006-12-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

I admitted to Stephen that I have been having "moments of spirituality" lately. That was probably a mistake, cuz if anything, these moments have been quite fleeting and quite private, and I am in no position to describe the moon.

Several of these moments, though, have been related to work and there is an essay by Loren Eisley that captures the passion and love I've been feeling lately. Here's the short essay:

A Single Starfish

One day an old man was walking along the beach. It was low tide, and the sand was littered with thousands of stranded starfish that the water had carried in and then left behind. The man began walking very carefully so as not to step on any of the beautiful creatures. Since the animals still seemed to be alive, he considered picking some of them up and putting them back in the water, where they could resume their lives.

The man knew the starfish would die if left on the beach's dry sand but he reasoned that he could not possibly help them all, so he chose to do nothing and continued walking.

Soon afterward, the man came upon a small child on the beach who was frantically throwing one starfish after another back into the sea. The old man stopped and asked the child, "What are you doing?"

"I'm saving the starfish," the child replied.

"Why waste your time?... There are so many you can't save them all so what does is matter?" argued the man.

Without hesitation, the child picked up another starfish and tossed the starfish back into the water... "It matters to this one," the child explained.

I don’t think of this story and then compare it to my life in the obvious way by pretending that each student is one starfish. I don’t think my teaching work “saves” any of them like that. But I often think about each day as a starfish. I can’t possibly effect a drastic enough change to get this little person all the way back to the sea—but I can make a difference today. I can ensure that they are well taught, well disciplined, and well loved today. Which is no easy task, when you remember that there are twenty-two students in my care. And despite the daunting task of changing a life, or the daunting task of throwing back every starfish, I believe this day counts. This one day, and every single day, for all twenty-two of these children, really counts. And maybe, maybe, maybe, there’s a chance that some of these baby starfish are learning to crawl and maybe some of them are absorbing enough love to crawl to the sea on their own one day.

Anticipating Christmas

2006-12-16T06:19:00.000-08:00

Robert is flying to Fargo on Saturday, December 23rd and returning on December 28th. I'm not sure what we'll do for Christmas Eve or Christmas day. It's going to feel weird with just me and the girls here. I've got some of their presents already, but need to get a couple more things. At least they're easy to shop for.

The guy I described in my last post, the Homeless Liason guy, met with Jessie on Thursday morning, to get ready for the meeting we had yesterday (Friday) morning with Joann, his mom, and the bus driver that suspended him. We have this thing in my class where we listen for our vocabulary words and when Jessie got back to class he let me know that Mike had said "incredible" two times and "capable" once. So the big meeting was okay---this capable, courageous, incredible child tells the truth and apologizes for everything---including one thing nobody (except me) even knew he was involved in. Joann was nice enough and the whole thing only lasted about 1/2 an hour. I'm sure Mike has no idea how critical his prescense was to the positive tone that Joann maintained. I still question all her decisions in the whole situation: he shouldn't have been suspended from the bus in the first place, he absolutley should never have been suspended from our after school program, and I don't think she has any idea how much Mike and I did to make sure this meeting happened and that our policy regarding the YMCA and after school program be officially revised. I guess, in looking back, maybe he should have been suspended from the bus. I think he ended up learning a valuable lesson. But there is the whole "with love" part of discipline that is so missing from Joann's approach---but I think between his momma, me, and Mike, there was enough love to make the consequence about learning and "we know you can make better choices" and not about "you're a terrible kid."

We picked out the classrooms we're going to move into in the new building. If we really get the rooms we picked, they are the best rooms in the whole building. It's going to be a fun February this year. We're going to have Valentine's Day, move out of Lowell, have President's Day, and come back to our new building, all within one week.

An Ally

2006-12-14T05:47:00.000-08:00

There is an administrator level position in our district called the "Homeless Liaison". The person who holds this position now is an excellent advocate for children and his little closet office is a hop, skip, and jump down the hall from my classroom. He's much better than the last person that had the position and I've been very friendly to him all year. Well----he has become involved now in the whole situation with my student Jessie and I am so happy to report that things are looking up. He already made sure that Jessie can ride the bus again. I told him a little bit about my concerns with the YMCA evening program and how it is so tightly bound up with our after school program and he went off on this speech that fully voiced all my feelings---and just hearing him so strongly advocating for this child almost made me cry. Someone else cares about these kids, someone with some power. He'll probably even be at the meeting that Jessie's mom is required to have with Joann soon.

There are a couple of really hard parts about leaving Washington that I've been remembering: my baby plan, including having a strong student teacher take my class the last couple of months and having West High and Clara and daycare all so close, well that can't be the same anywhere else. Mr. Brown stayed at Washington through all sorts of Voldemort hell just cuz of his kid at West. There's also the new school---which I personally helped to design. My handprint is on that multi-million dollar building and I'd love to be there for a while. Not that I've forgotten why it's important to transfer---it's just that there really are these other considerations.

Happy Birthday Harriet

2006-12-08T16:36:00.000-08:00

Harriet took a Mexican milk cake to her class today and seems to have had a very fun day. She had a friend here after school and she invited three friends to her birthday dinner tomorrow. Mom, Dad, Tina, David, and Lydie will also be here tomorrow evening. I've just got to figure out what soup to cook. Maybe chili from scratch.

Jessie made it to school two days in a row, without the services of the transporation department of the district. He gets a lot of credit for that feat. I'm sure he would have been allowed to stay home if he wanted to.

Anyway, I'm still sticking by that decision I made over this.

Promise

2006-12-06T18:05:00.000-08:00

This will be my last year working under my current boss. That's a promise. If by some wonderful miracle she retires, or moves to another school, that means I'll still teach at Washington. If, however, she stays, I'm leavin'. And I know some people might doubt me because I waffled all over this same decision last spring and ended up staying at Washington. But this time it's different and here's why: 1) I let go of my most favorite, most adorable, most fun group of students last year, when they all moved onto middle school. And it was okay. And then this year I fell helplessly and passionately in love with all 22 kids that are in my class. I really wasn't sure this would happen, but of course it did. And I'm sure it will happen again and again. That's teaching. That's life. 2) I've learned that there is no good coping strategy. Last year we tried to problem solve and communicate. Didn't work. This year I tried to stay far under the radar, avoid the office at all costs, keep my head down and my door closed, and just do my very best teaching work by my own 22 darlins---but this strategy is not working either. I need to work under someone whose judgment I trust and for whom I feel respect. Period. 3) It's not just about how she doesn't see and refuses to deal with poor teaching in our building. I got to the point this year where I could just ignore all that. But she was malicious to two different families this week, unreasonably cruel to two different children; and so I'm finished. I won't work at a school where she's the boss. And 4) I feel very relieved and at peace and sure about the choice. Last year I'd decide and then hate the decision and change my mind and never feel settled. That isn't how I feel now. I feel calm and sure and excited for a new adventure. If only, if only, if only Jen and I could land somewhere together.

In case you're wondering: the catalyst for this decision was in a situation involving this student of mind named Jessie. She visited the shelter where he lives, saw how his mom was hanging out and flirting with some guys, not working while we were "dealing with her kids" and decided she wanted to "teach her a lesson." So Jessie isn't suspended from school, but he can't ride the bus for five days and his mom is required to meet with the district transportation department before he can ever ride the bus again. I'm not sure when I'll see him again. And don't forget: the eight hours (including an hour after school) that this child is in my care he is being well disciplined, well taught, and well cared for. Who knows what's going to happen to him now. I'm devastated, of course. It's frustrating and infuriating.

The Adoption is Finalized, finally, and another Book Meme

2006-12-01T18:49:00.001-08:00

Our adoption finalization was Monday. The judge signed everything. It's 100 percent official and finished--these three lovely girls are ours, MINE--forever. What I didn't really understand until this week, though, was that this very formal, legal change matters to my HEART! Who knew? To borrow (and twist) a metaphor from a favorite book character of mine named Everett, it's like my heart is the egg, the egg in those beautiful and very scientific sex-ed videos, and the finalization of this adoption is like the sperm that penetrated the egg. So after the one lucky sperm gets through the membrane of that egg, the cell wall of the egg is transformed. It is hardened and no more sperms can get through. So, for me, the opposite has occurred--my heart hasn't been hardened, but instead this single event has peeled my hard, protective shell away. The possibility that they might one day be taken away has been eliminated---hence a softening, an opening, and an exploding of the walls surrounding my sensitive middle. This love for my daughters, that I didn't even realize could grow deeper and stronger, has, in fact grown deeper and stronger---and, yes, also, harder, more solid, more bullet proof and more permanent. But also more expansive and more encompassing. Who knew that a silly piece of paper could spark such wierd, but real changes in my most breakable of organs??? Well enough, already, of this romantic blah blah blah. But wow, really--Wow!

And now a book meme:
1. How old were you when you learned to read and who taught you?

This is a favorite story of mine. One of those stories that shapes my identity. My mom taught me to read, on her lap, reading out loud to me, well before kindergarten. I don't have any memories of this process. I have been a reader as far back as I am able to remember.

2. Did you own any books as a child? If so, what's the first one that you remember owning? If not, do you recall any of the first titles that you borrowed from the library?

There were plenty of books that I owned, or that we owned, when I was a child. I remember the Childcraft encyclopedia books, I remember The Wheedle on the Needle and other books in the Serendipity series. I remember Lisa's Dr. Suess book called All About Me. I remember these dungeon and dragon role playing books that I adored in about fifth grade. I have many savory book memories.

3. Were you a re-reader as a child? If so, which book did you re-read most often?

No, I wasn't a big re-reader as a child, and I'm not as an adult. There are a few books that I've enjoyed re-reading. I've read The Brothers K about six times in the last 12 years. But, in general, I consume, comprehend, and thoroughly digest books the first time through.

4. What's the first adult book that captured your interest and how old were you when you read it?

The Hobbit. I'm not sure I really understood the whole book but I read most of it when I was in fourth grade and loved the parts that I was able to understand.

5. Are there children's books that you passed by as a child that you have learned to love as an adult? Which ones?

Nope--I'm a stubborn reader. I didn't like Island of the Blue Dolphins as a child and I've never given it a second chance.

6. What's the first book that you bought with your own money?

I loved the Nancy Drew series and remember spending many hard-earned babysitting dollars on those books when I was 11 or so. Books have always been one of my most costly addictions. I have made a shift, in the last year or so, though, away from excessive book buying, toward maximizing all the multiple potentials of the city libraries. I still buy too many books, primarily for my classroom, but my book addiction has been often met, recently, by library book browsing, reserving, and reading.

Build-A-Bear

2006-11-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

After hours and hours of hard work, raking leaves, my three girls took their cash and spent a combined total of 80 dollars at Build-A-Bear last week. I know it's their money and they earned it, and the whole point is that they can spend it how they want---but 80 dollars on over-priced doll clothes?!! Oh well. I'm sure my book habbit is just as bizarre to them.

I know I've mentioned this about three times in the last year, but just so everyone knows: Easter is really reading now. She is way into this cute little new chapter book called CLEMENTINE. She gets stuck on some words, but she loves the story and I am blown-away by her progress in reading over the last year and a half.

The official adoption date is set for Monday, November 27th. The pirhana lawyer told me yesterday, when I called him, that there were some things missing from our file. I went off on him. Told him how we'd been trying to get this done for over eight months, that I was so frustrated and angry that he's just now telling me this, and on and on a bit. He called back five minutes later and said he "found" the missing stuff. I'm hoping there aren't any more hitches and that everything can be finished and final and forever on Monday.

Early Bird

2006-11-15T05:28:00.000-08:00

I have at least two loyal readers, so I'm motivated to blog even more frequently. We'll see how long this lasts.

I wake up around 6:00 a.m. Can't help it. Don't need to. But I can never get back to sleep. I think it's because of coffee and adrenaline. My coffee drinking somehow makes my sleeping schedule very rigid. And I always start to feel some adrenaline pumping through my brain cells after I barely wake up and start mapping out my teaching for the day and start looking forward to working.

I have this very super favorite student right now, a fifth grader named Jessie. He loves math, is pretty good at reading, and is also an amazing athlete. He was the only fourth grader on my little basketball team last year. He also lives in the Road Home shelter, has gang affiliated uncles and proclivities, and is a natural born leader. He's been labeled by our super incompetent, tyrant administrator as "bad". So I've become his number one advocate lately. He's a kid with some problems, but he has so much potential and a really sweet side, and I sometimes feel so angry when we're willing to dismiss kids as hopeless when they're only 10. I made him my assistant in the after school reading program and so he's not getting in trouble after school anymore. He relishes meaningful responsibilities and he's also the editor-in-chief of our classroom newspaper. I keep on getting worried that he's going to move and will miss him a lot when he does.

Later--Not two hours after writing that loving description I was informed that Jessie's family got kicked out of the homeless shelter. He wasn't at school and my heart was falling to pieces, but then it turns out they can move back to the shelter tomorrow (??) and he even showed up to school around 11:00 today--with his homework. What some people, even children, survive everyday, is unimaginable to me. That kid is truly one of my heroes.

Guilt, Passion, and a Meme

2006-11-12T15:46:00.000-08:00

Okay--here's a couple things I've come to own recently: I take my teaching profession so serious and I am so passionate about it that I occasionally wonder if it deters from more important responsibilities, like parenting. Take the recent Halloween fiasco, for example. By the end of the day of October 31st, 2006, I was so drained and exhausted from both planning loads of extravagant fun for my class and from fighting futiley against a capricious tyrant on behalf of a couple kids, that I pretty much sank into my bed at 7:30 and skipped out on trick-or-treating with my girls. But here's the thing: Robert is totally not into Halloween, he's even vaguely against the holiday, and I don't see how I can expect myself to work full time, and then come home and have the energy to recreate my own childhood, all by myself, for these children of ours, which isn't even what they necessarily need or even want.

So--I'm just going to lose the guilt already. I love my kids at school, I'm super passionate about teaching well and so I'm going to stop apologizing to myself all the time for my many shortcomings-- for my lack of motherliness and my lack of time and my lack of dedication to my family. I'm doing the best I can for all the kids that I love, my girls included. It's okay to work hard at work and relax more when it comes to my own kids. I make sure they're reading, I check their homework, I cook their dinner (usually), and I try to make sure they feel safe and loved, and that's enough--good enough. No more guilt.

And now for the meme:

What part of the past would you bring back if you possibly could?

The few years I had in college when I took classes because they sounded interesting and was still extremely idealistic and optimistic about the majority of life's problems and possibilities.

What character trait would you alter if you could?

I wish I wasn't so shy. I'm not really shy with kids, even ones I just met, but I'm painfully shy with all adults, even ones I know.

Which skill would you like to have the time and energy to really work on?

I wish I had time to learn how to draw and paint, and I also wish I had time and energy to devote to learning more about photography--in the artistic sense.

Are you money poor, love poor, time poor or freedom poor?

Money poor--but only relative to people of my same age and social class.

What element of your partner's character would you alter if you could?

OCD--I'd eliminate his need to have everything EXTREMELY organized and ordered.

What three things are you going to do next year that you've been meaning to do for ages but never got around to?

Next year? Hmmm, I'm going to compile an annotated list of great picture books, take the girls hiking once, and fix all the sprinklers in our yard.

If your fairy godmother gave you three wishes, what would you wish for?

A small class (22 or less) every year for the rest of my teaching life.

A long list of books recommendations that I will love.

That Kevin and Lisa could live on a planet inside Utah, that's not Utah, but would be only a ten minute drive or less from my house.

What one thing would you change about your living conditions?

I'd xeriscape the backyard and have a well sheltered hot tub built back there.

How could the quality of your free time be improved?

If I had some more friends, especially outside-of-work friends.

What change have you made to your life recently that you're most proud of?

I'm putting into actual practice almost every single damn thing I know about teaching well, which is a feat that I don't think many people in the world would really appreciate. But I don't do if for appreciation or recognition--I do it for my students--but I'm still proud of it.

Parent Conferences

2006-10-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

It doesn't matter how many years I've been doing this or how I know, logically, that the same thing happens every year, but here's how it always goes: I get worried, worried sick, almost, about meeting with all my students' parents. No matter how prepared I am for the conferences, or how hard I've been working with the students, I always get all these gut twisting fears. I worry the parents will ask me questions that imply I'm not doing enough, or that they'll express extreme dissatisfaction with their child's experience in my classroom. I start worrying at least a week before, and then worry almost nonstop for a week stright.

And then the conferences will actually happen and they'll be wonderful. I'll enjoy meeting the parents, delight in celebrating the students, and skillfully coach the students through a goal setting process. I'll end up feeling a sense of gratitude from the parents, and a renewed determination to help them all reach their fullest potential. All in all it's always a positive experience. But---that doesn't change one bit the extreme anxiety I get the next time they come around.

Tomrrow and Tuesday are our fall conferences, so I'm in the anxious phase right now. I'll be glad when they're over.

My Girls' First Mom

2006-10-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

Easter is the one who coined the lovely name for Florence, Robert's sister, my daughters' other mother: Our First Mom. I had sometimes called her their "real mom" and she is always referred to by her parents as "the Late." "Our first mom" is such a better name. It hasn't been easy, knowing how to honor her memory, how to speak with them about her death, and how to come to terms--myself---with the very confusing feelings of gratitude and anger I sometimes feel. Gratitude for the gift of these children, but of course anger at the world we live and the choices that people made that caused a mother to die and these children to suffer so unnecessarily. But if not for this tragedy, I would not have my precious little family. Robert is still unable to speak much about his sister. There is a very deep sadness there that I suspect may be coupled with crippling guilt--that he wasn't able to do anything to help in time.

One wonderful way of honoring, loving, and remebering developed quite accidentally over the last few months. I loved The Lion King broadway production that I saw with mom and grandma in NYC. There is a powerful broadway-esque song that isn't in the Disney movie called "He Lives in You". In the play it seemed to strongly signify black Christian spiritualism in the US and the "HE" seemed to reference god more than Mufasa. It's got a very gospel feel, but also African drumming and rhythms. I downloaded the song when I got home and it has become Easter's "favorite song", as in "play my favorite song, please," everyday in the car. A few weeks ago I told her about seeing the play and how spectacular it was and about how the song fits in the plot she knows from the Disney movie. I told her we should change the "He" to "She" because little Simba's story is just like her story--so that she could remeber her first mom. So driving home from the library today, a few weeks later, I hear her singing along in her sweet, sincere, soft singing voice:"She lives in me, She watches over, In your reflection, she lives in you. She lives in me."

Cousin Love

2006-09-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

Our girls are so lovely and so into each other, you know? Jim lost at poker night last night. I won, but not as much as David. Mom lost. Like Tina always says, if you don't count up your money at the end how are you going to know who the winners are and who the losers are. Tina also came out ahead, but not as much as me. I think.

I'm loving my class, still, but looking forward to a long break starting October 11th--I'm going on a five day road trip to California with mom, Lydia, and Tina. Tinas has big plans for us to win money at Texas Hold Em in Reno. I'll have to make a plan about that before leaving. Like a limit or something.

Raising Readers

2006-09-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

My three daughters have all crossed a bridge in the last month or so---I think I can confidently use the adjective "reader" to describe each of them. They have unique reading interests, they read regularly and for pleasure, and they think of themselves as readers! Even E. And this development is, of course, the best gift the universe has handed me recently. Although our reading interests don't yet overlap too much, I am absolutely delighted to see them taking their first real steps into the biblio-sphere.

Weekend Adventures

2006-09-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

The Raven Symone concert at the Utah State Fairpark was a smash with the five Sudanese children I chaperoned to the event. I took my three girls plus Ajo and Nancy, a first grade boy and his eighth grade sister. We also ate some delicious State fair cuisine and each got to choose one ride to ride, so our annual fair excursion can be checked off my list of seasonsal must-dos. I must say, and I know this is tOtALLy how she (with Disney's help) sells herself--but that Raven is certainly a wholesome, excellent role model, as well as a totally hip super star. I hadn't even realized she was that one itty-bitty COSBY darling--the adorable little niece in the last few seasons. I am not really looking forward to the transition my girls will make away from the likes of Raven one day.

Yesterday morning I was on 9th South and State street, buying hair for extensions, and I locked my keys in the car. My only spare was in the house. I managed to make the whole round trip, to get the key and get back to my car, via tracks and buses, in under two hours, for only $1.50. It was good to remember all the advantages of public transportation--sure, it takes longer to get from place to place, but you're in contact with the world and with people in a million more ways than from inside the thick bubble of a compact car. I can tell you the subtle shifts in the weather yesterday, I can describe the sounds of downtown on a Saturday, and I got in some superb people watching--there was this goth teenage boy, complete with a black trench coat, badly dyed hair, and a naked pink mouse that he kept feeding and petting. If I ever get a tad more serious about my writing career I think I ought to spend more time on public transit.

Which brings us now to Sunday morning and the joys of writing reading journal letters to each of my lovely students. My very favorite line so far is from a favorite student of mine, who is such an odd little fifth grade princess: "I have been reading Captain Underpants for a very, very long time. I don't know if I'm ready to start changing, or not. If I am, I'll start reading W.I.T.C.H." Such an amazing ability to self-reflect, and it's so true--her teetering on the decision of whether or not to move away from her beloved Captain Underpants obsession.

Labor

2006-09-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

We always teach kids about Holidays--like Columbus day, and Veteran's Day, but I never remember learning much about Labor Day. And I've never taught any students anything about it. This only occurred to me becuase there was some great music on NPR's American Roots this morning, all around the theme of LABOR. Working folks. I know there's something about how it was supposed to be May 1st, but I don't know the history.

Traditional breakfast food is my favorite cuisine: waffles, pancakes, crepes, eggs, sausage, bacon, orange juice. I'm setting a goal to learn how to cook some more delicious breakfast foods: good-enough-to eat-for-dinner breakfast foods.

My class is adorable. Likely its only in contrast to the sixth graders we finally set free last spring, but these babies feel so young and innocent and not even close to adolescents. We enjoy at least one picture book together each day and so far they are super happy to do any ammount of work I ask of them. We have a mini-classroom economy going on this year, and I can't believe how good it's been so far for building a sense of classroom identity and ownership. Thank goodness for the computers--that allow for online banking--so the whole classroom money system can be 100 percent managed electronically.

My girls all seem to be happy in school this year. I'm especially glad I went with North Star for Oba. She seems to have a good enough teacher and some friends. She just met her reading buddy.

Summer Ends

2006-08-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

My infant niece Lydia has unexpectedly pricked a maternal spot in my psyche. Blessed baby. Blessed baby. Delicate ears, probing eyes, quiet mouth.

My summer vaction will officially end Wednesday morning at 8:00 a.m. We have a Welcome Back/ Look at Our Awful Test Scores / Chart the Course for the Future meeting to which I plan to take half a dozen math problems, to fill the two-thirds of my brain space that gets manic in such meetings.

The best thing I discovered this summer was an efficient way to use kid lit blogs, the SLC library online catalog, and a weekly visit to the Day Riverside branch, to keep myself and my three kiddies equipped with plenty of fresh, interesting reading material. I hope this habbit doesn't fade with my amped up schedule, as full days of teaching shortly resume.

Regular Posting

2006-08-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

I heard blogs were already on the way out--but I don't really believe it. I think they're probably just settling into a niche. I don't know if anyone reads my life chronicles here, but I've decided it's nice for readers if I post more regularly. So here's my commitment: one new posting a week will be my minimum. If I do have a readership, they can predictably count on fresh material once per week.

Summer hasn't been quite the intense reading fest that I envisioned back at the beginning of June. I've been very consistent about reading about an hour each day with Easter, but I haven't been as consistent about requiring reading time with Aninga and Oba. They're way into comic books, though, which is ironic if you know me. I have always encouraged my students to read comic books, and have told many of my students' parents that any and all types of reading are good for improving reading skills. But now that it's my own kids, I wish they had wider reading interests. They both read and enjoyed Charlotte's Web at the first of the summer, but I didn't follow up with another assigned book. I was thinking of having them read Number the Stars as a final book for the summer, and we'd be learning a bit of history in the process. I'm also trying to find a new fantasy book or series, one that I haven't read and can really get into, that I can read out loud to all three of them. Suggestions?

As I've started thinking about school starting in three weeks, and as I've been surfing around the web for new books, science experiements, and math ideas, I've come to realize again, how much I love my job. It's really a great fit for someone with the wide range of academic strengths and interests that I possess. And of course there's the delightful dimension of buidling relationships with young folks.

I was in New York City for three days in July. It was a nice vacation, but man I really do love SLC. I love the mountains, the dry air, and the pace of the city. Traveling, particularly to big cities, is not one of my favorite things.

World Cup

2006-06-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

The team I picked more than a month ago was finally eliminated today--Ecuador couldn't score a single shot against England. Oh well. They made quite a run and did much better than expected.

I completely adore the Impossible Team Adidas ad campaign with the two Latino boys playing in an empty lot. I'm hardly ever such a sucker for advertising campaings, but I might even go buy some Adidas now.

I'm working at two easy goals for the rest of the summer. Walk or do some sort of exercise for thirty minutes each day and read with Easter every day. Tis easy enough to write goals down, but much harder to follow through.

Adios.

Reading

2006-02-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

Easter is now reading chapter books. Just kidding. Just a little joke. She can almost read chapter books.

Today Easter went to her friend Blanca's house. She had fun. She wants to ride the yellow bus every day now. No. She will not be allowed to ride that bus again, for a few weeks, at least.

Easter is going to Fargo and Canada and Disneyland and Kampala. She only needs some money.

Shakespeare

2006-02-21T17:31:00.000-08:00

The sixth grade students had their final performance of Macbeth last night. The whole production was magnificent. Both casts were spectacular. It was so draining and stressful to be as deeply involved as I was this year. But also quite rewarding--to see those darlings shine so bright.

Here they are. Super darling, super stars. Good work everyone, including Jen and Mark and me and of course the kids!

We did It!

2005-07-31T14:23:00.000-07:00

They are here. My beautiful bambinas have arrived. They are so wonderful and smart and good. I am still in a euphoric sort of love daze. It's a drunkish sort of love mixed with pure gratitude. Duncan has become the family mascot and evereyone is getting along swell. Robert has them with him right now at Sudanese church and will keep them with him later in the evening, while I'm at my parents' for family poker night.

Some observations that fit right in with my recently formed theories on the universal nature of our homo-sapien species:

1. They are typical sibilings--they compare gifts, bicker, and compete with each other.
2. I feel a devotion and visceral defensiveness on their behalf that must be based on the year I've spent preparing for "my children" to arrive.
3. It feels like the ropes that hold my marriage together have suddenly been shot through with pure steel. We have been made stronger and brought closer.

Ahhhh--relief. I pray thank-you many times each day.

Hell Ya

2005-07-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

Watched the women's final Wimbledon match yesterday morning. Was it ever close. Every single day there's more bad news from Robert in Kampala. There are so many legal hurdles. It's tempting to let my hope burn out already, and start preparing myself for severe disappointment, but yesterday I convinced myself if Venus could pull it off, so can we--we'll find a way to bring our girls home.

praying for a series of fortunate events

2005-05-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

I am praying for a series of about six little miracles in the next five weeks. I am clinging to a thread of faith that regardless of how everything happens, our beautiful little family will arrive in Salt Lake City on July 9th, 2005. And, I must admit, that slender thread of faith also acknowledges the possibility that things won't work out, and prays I will be strong enough to handle it.

Miracle One: That Robert's passport and visa to enter Uganda will arrive here before next Saturday, so that he can leave next Sunday.

Miracle Two: That the traveling documents, which are like passports for refugees, will be granted to our three girls before Robert arrives in Kenya.

Miracle Three: That on June 10th the judge in Kampala will award Robert guardianship.

That's enough miracles to pray for, for now.

slow cooking delicious pork

2005-04-30T17:02:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's partially because I bought a new cookbook, bought all the ingredients, and spent some serious time cooking, but I think this recipe I tried today was absolutely incredible. It was an asian pork dish that I made in the slow cooker and served over rice. It had garlic, ginger, hoisen sauce, carrots, broccli, cinnamon, clove, and soy sauce. It smelled yummy and tasted even better. I want to make a page linked to the family site that has favorite recipes and quick meal ideas. My new recipe book is for healthy, slow-cooked meals. I love the crock pot.

Robert has been sick for almost a week. He came home early from the Marriot Library today and slept for several hours. I hope he starts feeling better soon.

longweekend soon?

2005-04-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

I know teachers are spoiled and get plenty of days off, but I am in desperate need of another long weekend. Spring Break wasn't even that long ago, it's just that with the sunny weather and all the stress these days---I could really use an extra day to recover.

Only about six more weeks of school. I'm getting better at letting go of all the kids at the end of the year. It's becoming part of the whole teaching cycle---new ideas and new kids in fall, hard work all year, and then a spring harvest of students that have grown and finally letting them fly away. The teaching cycle doesn't fit with any other seasonal cycles---but adding those biological analogies helps me see how it's okay for them to move on.

spring cleaning sunday

2005-04-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

Well--the sliding glass door drama is finally over, I think. Robert put up some flippy white plastic blinds behind my shimmery gold curtains so that it can be very dark and feel very private. He also took off all the metal rings at the top of the gold curtains. They still look fine. So---he's happy, I'm happy, and we have a nice enough window covering. I'm just glad the whole thing is finished.

The grass is coming in the back yard nice and full, the willow tree already has thousands of little green leaves and the birch tree has buds. We need to mow the front lawn, but we have spent the day cleaning inside, instead.

sad elephants

2005-03-23T15:59:00.000-08:00

One of my cutest, sweetest, fourth grade students took ten, very long, emotional minutes to tell me that another student called him an elephant. I was so angry at that other student. He's my new BD kid, though, so I let all my anger go and turned the incident completely over to the office. I warmly welcomed him back to class when Mrs. Price was finished with him.

Partnering

2005-03-18T20:14:00.000-08:00

Well. I am not a patient person. Which makes it hard for me to be a team player. And the three person upper grade team next year is going to require my utmost patience. But, I'm not bad at talking a good talk.

The truth: I think things with Jen and Mark next year will be okay. If pushed by nothing more than the fact that Mark loves me, we'll work stuff out. He's even decided on Macbeth---which is exactly what I wanted! I'm optimistic, right now, about the plan, which I might start refering to as THE BIG IDEA. Going into that meeting this afternoon, I wanted my boss to just pull rank and make some assignments already. And I was ready to just deal with how much I'd probably hate how those chips might fall. But she's a much better leader than that---she helped us come up with something that will be really good for everybody and might be really good for every kid. A true win-win-win plan.

Exciting things to consider: a "high" reading class, teaching 5th grade math, all the 5th grade science and social studies core, bringing Mark into our upper grade team, Shakespere, graduation, 5th grade dance!

Fun Times Ahead.

new sports equipment

2005-03-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

Looks like I may very well end up teaching either a 3/4 split or a 5/6 split again next year.

It seems that since the written agreement makes provisions for teachers to not be required to teach splits every year, that the district ought to kick for two teachers per grade every year. IMHO.

None of the configurations for next year look very exciting. I'll make myself get more excited, if I must, but for now I'm just in a foot stamping mood.

Orphans

2005-02-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

I've picked up a bad habit from Count Olaf (from reading the books, not watching the movie). I refer to my nieces as "The Orphans". I think its funny how Olaf says it about the Baudelaires---"HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, Orphans!!" But, my nieces are real little girls that have lost their mother. They have experienced real life tragedy, not just an entertaining, made-up series of unfortunate events. Maybe the whole adoption thing isn't real enough, for me, yet. I haven't really taken in the fact that these three real little people might soon be part of my immediate family (!!!???). That reality is too big and scary and complicated to digest and so I think of it like a story, like I'm a villanous Aunty Olaf or something funny and ridiculous.

Here are some of the things I most look forward to about adopting three half grown Sudanese women:

1- Girl Scouts
2- Family Vacations
3- Simbe the dad
4- Three new young friends
5- Blossoming bi-cultural identities
6- powerful tides of sisterly love
7- introducing them to the beautiful, rich culture of these United States
8- A house full of chatter
9- Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins
10-high school and college graduations

performing identities

2005-02-21T08:38:00.000-08:00

Audrey encouraged me to consider doing some sort of "masters degree final project" in lieu of comp exams. Or at least in lieu of the full size comp exams. An exciting idea is percolating along these basic lines: This summer I'll take a group of twleve or so of my students that are going to be sixth graders next year and we'll use that digital video recorder that the school bought and make autobiographical documentaries. I can use the writing/theory work that I've done in some of my classes to frame the project and even to develop some strong curriculum. Hmmmm. Maybe I could write a small grant to fund the project.

One thing I'm not sure how to work out is the isolation of such a project. There will be these twelve incredible students, of course, but I would love to do the whole project with another adult partner as well. But I can't imagine things working out if my partner is somebody from the U who doesn't have any history or passion or commitment to these particular kids. Plus, if it's "my project" why would anyone else want to get involved? Maybe if the grant comes through and we're both getting paid (??) but I need someone who has some background in the theory/rationale for the whole project as well. Tricky. Maybe I do it alone. Or maybe I just consult with Audrey. I should email her about this idea.

plural murder

2005-02-19T17:20:00.000-08:00

i think it's such a catchy, excellent title, that i have to write the book just so that there will exist in this world a book with such a great title.

The first session of our writing club, yesterday, was very cool. I'm psyched and wrote another one and a half pages this evening. my goal is twleve by our next session.

I'm a bit nervous because I don't think I can handle very harsh criticism at this fledgling stage I'm in right now. And---I think it might be too hard to revise and write new material at the same time. I need support and encouragement and accountability and goals, and not a whole lot of critique, yet.

Teaching

2005-02-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

My sister-in-law is starting a new business venture which includes some very cool, very original ideas. I keep on imagining myself as some sort of entrepenuer. I certainly have some of that risk loving/leadership skills and a creative spirit in me. But I really love teaching. It's very challenging and rewarding. It's the perfect combination of all my passions and interests. I'm an anthropologist, librarian, mathematician, writer, and psychologist every day. And I get to believe that I'm somehow working for social justice. Little human creatures are sufficently complex organisms to keep me enthralled for at least another decade.

Fun Show

2005-01-30T09:19:00.000-08:00

Maybe Simbe will come watch Duncan in a "fun show" today---which means that are no points to be won, just practice prancing around the ring with Candi. But even if Simbe doesn't come, we'll have some good Amy and Duncan fun. And, after I am going to Teresa's house to visit with my friends for our monthly women's spiritual group meeting.

Oh happy day.

tendonitis

2005-01-14T17:01:00.000-08:00

There is this very important tendon that runs along the arches of your feet. Its job is to help support the arches of your feet. This tendon attaches to your heel bones and on my feet this tendon is being over strained---creating a bone spur to develop and causing inflammation throughout my feet. So, according to my new foot doctor, he simply makes some casts of my feet, sends these mini foot statues to Washington state, and the folks up there will make me some customized arch supports to put into my shoes. The result, according to this new foot doctor, will be relief for my whole feet. I am tentatively hopeful about this simple "cure" for the chronic pain in my feet. It will take about three weeks to get my new arch supports. I'm trying to decide if I should try to stay off my feet in the meantime, or just take the pain and walk Duncan anyway.

In other news---this tutoring program the second grade teacher Heather and I developed is FABULOUS. I am very excited by how empowering and just good good good it has been for both our little and our big students. They are such cute "teachers".

tween day

2004-12-26T11:39:00.000-08:00

today is the day between my anniversary and christmas. the favorite part of christmas was singing happy birthday to jesus at midnight with candles and having pita asleep in my lap. The word tween is from Flash. It's an effect you add between two keyframes. I'm learning all about Flash from my best present ever, from David, which is a manual that's teaching me all about Flash through hands on examples. I have these big hopes now, as far as finding lucrative part time work in web design.

lisa's almsot here

2004-12-20T16:07:00.000-08:00

So tonight of all nights mom wants to come out and help me decorate my tree. I hope we're not going to get catty about where Lisa sleeps tonight, or where she stays for two weeks. Of course the maternal instincts would make mom want to go with me to pick her up and as much as I want her to stay with me, it's all good, she can stay where ever she's most comfortable.

Duncan's first real show is January 8th and 9th. He's going to have to go up against his brother and two other male dogs I know named Rayce and Nakota. I hope he does okay. He's such a swet heart.

There was this really awkward and funny misunderstanding at school today. A fellow teacher, Heather, who is new this year, told me she met her "girlfriend" for lunch today. She said how her girlfriend will be taking the legal bar exam soon. Like the quick thinking person that I am, I immediately thought to myself very cool, a self-confident lesbian. So, I asked lots of friendly questions about her "girlfriend." Does she intend to practice law in Utah? What sort of law did she specialize in? etc. etc. Heather said that she (the girlfriend) might move to DC and I said, oh, that will be hard. And then Heather said that it will all work out becasue her friend's husband is supportive and will go with her back East. I think she all the sudden figured out what I was assuming and felt pretty embarassed. But I didn't embarass her further by acknowledging the misunderstanding. We just got busy planning how my big kids can become effective reading tutors for her little kids.

my first Christmas Tree ever

2004-12-18T14:01:00.000-08:00

Jim came out this morning and took me to a tree lot on 30th South and 7th East, where I bought my first very own Christmas Tree, ever. It is beautiful and fragrant. I'm glad I resisted my urge to invest in a nice fake tree. I love real trees. One of my students who is Dine (Navajo) said that her mom doesn't like to have a tree in the house---which makes sense in a sort of native american, love the earth, and don't kill living things sort of way. But I also think it's okay to support the tree farmers from Montana and to enjoy a beautiful evergreen in the house for one month. Christmas trees feel like a very pagan tradition, although maybe true pagans would also object to killing the tree for such selfish human desires.

Lisa will be here for the winter solstice, which is totally a pagan holiday. We ought to plan some sort of celebration, maybe with real egg nog.

Duncan's head is resting heavily on my left foot. The rice cooker just flipped off so I'm going to have some African style beef stew over rice.

My "special bus" student had his last day with my class, yesterday. What a relief it is to know he's gone. I feel like two weeks is the perfect amount of time that I need away from work, and I predict that when school resumes I'll be able to push myself to teach well and push those kids to read and learn, all the way until May.

mediciney shampoo

2004-12-11T17:20:00.000-08:00

I finally quit dawdling and dug into my paper at about noon today. I finished all of my editing and revising around 4:00. I decided not to revamp the whole paper---there was plenty that was worth keeping, and I had absolutely no motivation to start back at square one. I tried to at least address all of my professor's concerns and comments. To release the tension built up in my body when I was finished I gave Duncan his first bath in eight weeks. Now he smells like medicney shampoo, which is a nicer smell than dirty dog. I feel like I can finally start enjoying the holiday season.

Freezing Friday

2004-12-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

My sweet angel Robert is all bundled up in a quilt, sleeping on the couch. He asked me why it was so cold in the family room, compared to the kitchen. I think its because heat rises. He finally agreed he could try dressing a little warmer for winter, but he still refuses to wear any socks or shoes. He's worked eleven hour days all week and must be exhausted. He's also getting used to his braces, which he got Monday. He's being brave, but is in a lot of pain right now. He says he can stand the pain on his teeth, but the way they rip up his inner lips is what makes him want to get them off already.

My other angel is whining because he can never decide if he wants in or out of the house. He's out right now and I'm going to sleep soon, so he'll have to just whine. Maybe it will be warm enough to walk him tomorrow.

Our attorney here finally contacted the attorneys in Uganda. That's it, however. Just an initial contact so far. No progress on getting custody yet.

I finished that Pinker Paper last weekend, but even without my professor's feedback, which I'm dreading, I think there are many things that I want to get in and fix.

I do so much of my school work on the computer these days. I grade papers, give students feedback, set up assignments, etc. etc. I'm glad I got to be part of the eMINTS grant.

saturday Morning is green

2004-11-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

There's this poetry book that gives all the days of the week particular colors. I think Sat. moring feels green, but just this very second i looked out the window and was delightfully surprised to see sugar shaking powerdery snow dusting my grass and continuing to shake out of the sky. I still feel green, which is a lively, happy color for me, though, because I'm inside my warm house with my sweet dog, writing, writing, writing.

Duncan is a sweet guy, but has recently taken to chewing up the remote control. I've finally figured out an effective response to that behavior by taking kitchen towels and whipping them, very hard, on the counter top and couch. This scares him so bad that he has started treating me more like the alpha bitch that I am. I never hit him, but he does this submissive walk and pose as if I do. He can be such a wimp for such a huge guy.

All my emotions about the adoption process feel pushed out of my mind. I'm too busy with school and my masters class to think about it very often. Plus---it's not really possible to sustain such emotional intensity for a long period of time. Excitement and fear can't be a normal state of emotional being. However---I've been comforted by some strong signals that my feelings are still pretty raw, as i think they ought to be, albeit somewhat subdued. Twice recently, once while watching Step Mom and once while watching Sam I Am, I turned into a big fat cry baby, which I rarely do during movies and certainly didn't do the first time i watched these two films. The themes of dieing and separated parents, and just parenting and child love in general pricked those raw emotions and it was very cathartic to cry and cry. I hope my girls come soon.