Our writing group meets next on June 22nd. I mean to have some serious work ready to share with the group by that time. What small steps might I map out to reach my goal of having something worth sharing? Well, I could at least put in a certain number of minutes per day. 30 minutes? Yes, fine. Good.
My students this year were quite a splendid bunch and I'm going to miss them all. These last few weeks are turning out to be hard enough, though, that I'm also going to be full of relief on June 1. The building is too hot, the kids are antsy and keep staring out the windows, and despite all my efforts to keep them busy learning, we keep finding ourselves with too much time to fill. I'm always exhausted on Fridays and usually come home and crash, but today the crash was particularly intense. I'm still surfacing from a deep nap and can barely move my legs. That's what I get for taking Dance Dance Revolution to our Outstanding Attendance party.
I still can't get over the joy of being done with my own 25 years of schooling. I'm the kinda kid, still, that has a hard time relaxing and enjoying any type of formal education experience (except when I'm the teacher!). I always feel pressure to impress the professor, to be perfect, to master every concept, to write pristine papers, and to get straight A's. When I'm taking any class, I have a constant buzz of anxiety. My grad school GPA, by the way, was a 3.9. So was it worth it? Certainly. I can now afford to continue doing the work I love, for at least thirty more years.
I liked the PBS documentary. Overall. There were parts where I felt the representation was unfair, and furthered stereotypes, but there were also many beautiful scenes that got at some of the complexities and paradoxes of our rich history and faith. I also just finished watching Doug Fabrizio's Utah NOW program discussing the film. There are two delicious surprises that all this has uncovered for me. First, I have a very strong interest in mormon/utah history. (Another inheritance from Jim.) I have a huge appetite to read and learn much more of this history---from all perspectives. And, fortunately, I have plenty of time for this pursuit now that I am no longer in graduate school! The second surprise for me is how much spiritual affinity I feel toward the faith of my childhood. Enough time has gone by that I can approach the whole thing from a calmer and less guilt-ridden or bitter place. And from this place I can start to recognize an intricate, beautiful theology that came from an incredibly complicated history. A theology that I still love. It's exciting to suddenly realize that I can appreciate Mormonism's theology, honor its myths, even believe fully in many of its tenets, and yet I'm not required to believe anything that's unacceptable to my conscience. Much of the analysis of the documentary focused on how outsiders vs. insiders understand Mormonism and one way that I'm lucky is that I'm free to firmly embrace both of those orientations. I can appreciate and believe in many things. I can honor the faith and sacrifices of my ancestors. And yet I can also look in, from outside the fold, and not suffer the choking pressures of conformity or the weight of spiritually damaging doctrines. I can have my mormon cake and eat it too. yum.
